
All of us have them. Key developmental experiences. Ones that stick in our memory, make a permanent “dent” in our thinking or behavior.
I was sitting behind a one-way mirror watching a therapy session. The young man being interviewed was dying, his immune system failing due to the AIDS virus. It was the early days of the outbreak. Lots of fear, death, helplessness, and indifference.
“He’s in denial about dying,” the resident physician told us before my fellow psychology intern entered the hospital room, “If things need doing, they have to be done soon as he doesn’t have long.”
The conversation that ensued was painful to watch. The young man talked about what he was going to do when he was released from the hospital. My colleague gently but firmly focused on the man’s impending death.
Pointing to a magazine on a bedside table, “I’m planning a trip, going to sail around the world.”
Following a brief pause, “I know this must be hard to accept, but you are dying.”
“I have been looking at sail boats,” he continued, “I learned how to sail when I was coming up.”
Silence. Then, “Perhaps we should talk about what’s happening right now.”
Once again pointing to the magazine, “Can you hand me that? I’ll show you sailboat I’m thinking about getting.”
And on and on it went.
As a grad student, I’d learned about resistance and denial – according to Freud, “the violent and tenacious” rejection of the therapist’s efforts “to restore the patient to health, to relieve him of the symptoms of his illness.” It was the challenge of therapeutic work, the precursor to being able to help.
To me, however, it seemed like torture. “I don’t get this,” I said to the group, “He’s dying.”
“The point,” our supervisor responded, “is to help him address this, and take care of what needs to get done before he dies.”
“And what if he doesn’t?” I thought to silently to myself, “What’s the worst that can happen? Either way, he’s dead.”
The interview dragged on for another 15 minutes or so. I just watched, feeling helpless. After all, at the time, I didn’t have any alternate suggestions for what to do – something that wouldn’t be seen as participating in or perpetuating the man’s … “denial.”
Next morning, I learned the young man had died during the night. It took my breath away. Then, as now, I felt we really missed … the boat.