One warm, summer June day, Marietta Jaeger, her husband Bill, and their five children packed into their borrowed R.V. for a cross-country road trip touring the American west. “This was going to be the adventure of a lifetime, a grand family vacation, the one we were going to talk about for the rest of our lives,” Marietta observes some four decades later, “and it certainly has been.”
On the third night of their stay, camped at the headwaters of the Missouri river, the family’s youngest child — 7-year old Susie Jaeger — was kidnapped. A slit made with surgical precision in the canvas of the tent in which she slept with her brothers and sisters was the only clue to what had happened.
Hours, days, and weeks passed while local, state, and federal authorities searched. Although increasingly desperate, Marietta maintained her focus and composure, attending to her other children while constantly juggling interactions with law enforcement and the media. Then, “A day came,” she recalls, “where I began to get angry.” By this time, the family had been camped out at the river’s edge for over a month. “By the time I got into bed,” she continues, “I was just ravaged with hatred and a desire for revenge.” Her eyes narrowing in anger, she confesses, “I wanted this guy to swing,” adding, “I could have killed him for what he had done with my bare hands and a smile on my face.”
No one I know would fault Marietta for her feelings. Some experts might even suggest her reaction was a necessary, even 
helpful part of recovering from such a traumatic event. In the end, however, it was not the path she chose to stay on. Quite the contrary. Rather, before daylight broke the next day, and years before she would learn what actually happened to her daughter, Marietta made the decision to forgive the person who had taken Susie.
Believe me when I say, her decision was no mere contrivance or symbolic gesture. Her behavior followed suit — acts of grace, understanding, and empathy most would find exceptionally difficult to emulate — for example, expressing genuine care and concern for the kidnapper when he called to taunt the family one year later on the date and exact hour he’d absconded with Susie.
I won’t tell you here what happened. You can watch for yourself in the link to the 20/20 episode below. What I will say is that Marietta Jaeger’s ability to forgive proved to be the key to solving the kidnapping of her daughter.
Research documents the healing effects of forgiveness on individuals and groups (1, 2, 3, 4, 5). Other data indicate people, particularly those seeking psychotherapy, want to forgive. But how? What exactly are the steps?
I had the opportunity to speak with Marietta Jaeger last week. During the time we spent together, she told me how she did it. I experienced a wide range of emotions: anger, discouragement, frustration, bafflement, sadness, and peace. Once you’ve had a chance to listen to the interview and watch the 20/20 episode, let me know your thoughts.
Until next time,
Scott
Scott D. Miller, Ph.D.
Director, International Center for Clinical Excellence
Unbelievable. I can’t imagine. I wonder if Marietta’s forgiveness, compassion and response to such a tragic and violent experience of her daughter’s, Susie’s, abduction and death, are things that can be learned or if they are things that are conditioned through a person’s life experiences. What was Marietta’s upbringing, or experiences, in her life. Who were the people in her life, prior to the tragedy of her daughter’s death, that contributed to how she responded? What did her parent’s and her faith teach her about hate and forgiveness? What were the influences, besides her faith, that that led to her forgiveness and compassion? What motivated her or got her to even want to forgive the abductor who took and killed her daughter? Why did she even think about and feel so guilty about lying on the phone about the conversation being taped? Is the need to forgive and feelings of guilt (over feeling anger) required for someone to want to forgive? She mentioned how her anger scared her (e.g., she could have killed him with a smile on her face). Or is the need to love tied to need to forgive? It seemed that being angry became unacceptable for her. Why? She may have needed to forgive for her own self preservation, as well as not wanting to associate anger and hatred to her daughter. How does forgiveness, guilt, anger and love influence one another? What emotions or beliefs are needed to be forgiving and compassionate vs. angry and violent? Are the stages of grief and loss (e.g., denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance) things that a person goes through, or gets locked into, when tragedy and loss occurs. Are there things we can do or beliefs we need to have in order to not get stuck in denial, depression and anger? Is anger for some a protective emotion that people stay in based upon their culture and beliefs while others are led to forgive based upon their culture and beliefs?
Outstanding interview of a remarkable. Woman who was able to forgive the man who killed her daughter. Did remind me of the Shack, book and film. In my 50 years of working with patients who have lost a child at the hands of a perpetrator, not. One was able to achieve this level of forgiveness. A spiritually evolved being
Scott,
As always, thanks so much for your thoughtful work. These videos are pivotal to our work as clinicians. Forgiveness is much misunderstood in our field. Sometimes, therapists tell their clients to access forgiveness before clients are ready. It cannot be an imperative that comes from the outside. Like for Marietta, it has to come from within. She paid attention to her inner wisdom, including her anger, including her fight with God, until she found that inner drumbeat that kept a steady pace. The focus of her forgiveness was Susie, her love for her child and herself. Takes my breath away. Thank you for asking wonderful questions.
Jayashree
Thanks for this inspiring post, Scott. I appreciated Marietta’s comment that revenge requires to dig 2 graves. Another comment I’ve heard is that it like swallowing poison hoping that the other person will die. Resentment and a desire for revenge are natural, but not helpful
I’m informed by financial jargon, where a debt is forgive, This requires a line to be drawn in the ledger with an understanding that there will be no future attempt to recover the debt. For me, this allows a practical possibility rather than the morass of morality.
Thanks again.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I was struck by her conscious commitment to forgive. And then developing steps to move her toward that. It reminded me of deliberate practice.
I try to find the meaning of this phenomenon Marietta is having. What has happened evokes anger and distrust to this world. It is about shifting the focus away from revenge, it is a possibility a new dimension, a key to some lock. Thank you for making this story visible, something to reflect indeed.
Marietta asks the perpetrator, “What can I do to help?”. I wonder if Scott Miller was asking himself the same question as he moved towards posting this.
Thank you for the gift, Scott.
Remarkable story. Scott, thanks for sharing it with your contacts. I too believe in the healing power of forgiveness. Not sure if I were in Marietta’s shoes I would have had the courage to forgive; I think it takes divine power to enable one to forgive a heartless cruel act, for sure, of a wounded sick individual, himself/herself imprisoned by a vile power beyond themselves!